Fauxboes!

An abhorrent trend has been sweeping the nation unchecked for more than 40 years. Fauxboes have been sullying the good names of regular hoboes since the 40's by passing themselves off as actual hoboes.

Of course, not everyone is familiar with the term "fauxbo". A fauxbo will commonly be referred to as a transient, trustafarian, redneck, panhandler, outdoorsman, hippie, tramp, carpet bagger, traveling salesman, migrant worker, crazy, gutter trash, "stranded" person, etc. It is an all too common misconception that is destroying the American way of life and bringing the hobo to the brink of extinction.

You may ask yourself, "Self, how can I tell if someone is really a hobo or just a fauxbo?". In order to clear up all of the confusion, I have provided a simple set of hobo identification guidelines.

1. If the person in question is carrying a bindle then you have a hobo.
2. If the person in question has an afro, dredlocks, or smells of hair gel, pomade, aqua net, mousse, or other styling agents then you do not have a hobo.
3. If the person has facial stubble or a beard with food or other non decorative items lodged in it then you may have a hobo.
4. If the person in question does not have a sanctioned name on this list, then you do not have a hobo.
5. If the individual asks for money, then you do not have a hobo as hoboes only use hobo nickels.
6. If you find hobo symbols in the immediate vicinity, you have have a hobo.
7. If the individual is riding in a boxcar or near rail tracks (and not in or near a rail station), you may have a hobo.
8. If the individual mentions the New Deal or characters in The Grapes of Wrath, you either have a hobo or a pretentious asshole.
9. If the individual will work for food, you do not have a hobo.

The stability of the union depends on everyone doing their part to eradicate the fauxbo menace. These impostors are calumniating the memories of such notable hobo heroes such as Joey Stink-Eye Smiles, Former Secretary of the Treasury Hobo Joe Junkpan, and Nick Nolte.

Further information on the topic of hoboes can be found at e-hobo.com.

God

Yeah that's right, that guy.

The explanation behind it couldn't be simpler. I've even taken the courtesy to outline it in a bulleted list.

Here is how God is destroying America.

1. God created the big bang
2. The big bang created an abundance of Hydrogen, fueling basic nuclear fusion in the earliest stars
3. Once the stars converted most of the hydrogen into heavier atoms, fusion could no longer be sustained and the star exploded, becoming a supernova (or nova or hypernova), expelling these heavier atoms and fueling new stars
4. Eventually enough Helium and Hydrogen collected and created our sun which created our solar system
5. The heavy Hydrogen byproducts, deuterium and tritium combined during the nuclear fusion in our sun to release energy in many wavelengths.
6. The infrared energy released by the sun arrived on Earth at the Equator off the coast of Africa, heating up the surface of the ocean
7. Water temperatures of at least 26.5 °C (80°F) down to a depth of at least 50 m (150 feet) were created. Waters of this temperature caused the overlying atmosphere to be unstable enough to sustain convection and thunderstorms.
8. As the air rised there was a rapid cooling with height. This allowed the release of latent heat, which is the source of energy in a tropical cyclone.
9. The resulting tropical depression made its way across the Atlantic, arriving in the Caribbean and turning into a tropical storm and then a hurricane in the Gulf of America (a.k.a. the Gulf of Mexico, but what have they done with it lately?).
10. When the hurricanes reached the Louisana coast (as Katrina and Wilma) they wreak havoc on the infrastructure of a city built below sea level and not equipped to weather anything approaching a class 3 hurricane.
11. The destruction exacted on the city causes the US government to divert spending (they drug their feet about it, but eventually did) from high priority terrorist targets in Kentucky.
12. The money diverted to New Orleans leaves the nations burbon stills unguarded and tempting targets for burbon-hating terrorists.
13. As the result of such strikes the burbon supply is extinguished thus leaving the nation unable to create mint juleps
14. The resulting mint overstock rots and growers drastically cut back on their production of mint
15. This results in a deficiency of mint with which to create chewing gum
16. The plain flavored gum is immediately shunned by Marines overseas
17. The ability of the Marines to kick ass and chew gum is threatened and thus they compensate by kicking more ass
18. Several platoons of Marines kick too many of the wrong asses creating a much more fierce anti-American sentiment in the middle east
19. As the result, America is invaded and is ill equipped to fend off an invasion with the bulk of the armed forces deployed overseas
20. The American way of life is under attack and can not be repeled
21. America is destroyed

Or, for those with a right-winged point of view:

1. God created the heavens and the earth and everything else in one week, 6,000 years ago (fossils are devices employed by liberals to confuse the righteous, after all)
2. God obviously hates fags (it on the signs at the funerals so it must be right) and decides to show the US who's boss and sends an embryo shaped hurricane over to destroy the gay section of New Orleans
3. He missed, drowns the rest of the city
4. See above, steps 10 through 21

So, through clear, concise, very easy to follow and infallible logic, God is destroying America. Gather your children and head to Independence, MO, Jesus is likely to come walking down that stairway atop the RLDS temple any day now.

The Bullets that Bush is Shooting Himself in the Foot With

Nowadays, it's just not enough for a guy to ignore twice as many laws as all other presidents in history combined. You've got to admit, he's really going the extra mile in order to piss the entire US off. He must be trying to get the lowest approval rating of any president, and if he keeps it up he just might make it. He's damned close as it is (about 31%) compared to Nixon when he resigned (27%). Some of the latest shenanigans just might give him the push he needs to make it big (or little, as it were).

The best part of it is that he couldn't have done it alone. All of his idiot political appointments are really helping out. In case you're confused or in denial, here's a short list of bullets (listed in order of size of metaphorical bullet, as shown in picture above).

1. Can't find Osama worth a damn, may have stopped trying (he's a 50 year old, 6'4" man on dialysis for god sakes!)
2. Allowing for development of logging trails in wilderness areas (Teddy's rolling in his grave)
3. Drilling in ANWR (Teddy's gonna haunt his ass)
4. No Child Left Behind Act (actually left a large number of children behind, even went so far as to make it even worse lately)
5. Ignoring Laws (what a prick!)
6. Torture of POWs (I hear he's a big fan of Rudolf Hoess' work at Auschwitz)
7. Hurricane Katrina (Knew it was coming, knew it was gonna be bad, didn't do shit)
8. Proposed Ammendments to ban gay marriage (It never goes through and yet he keeps on going, quite an election gimmick)
9. Reduced Homeland Security funds to NY and D.C. (Apparently the Empire State building, the Chrysler building, Wall Street, the Brooklyn bridge, the other bridges into Manhattan, the statue of liberty, the Washington monument, the Jefferson memorial, the Lincoln memorial, the Vietnam veterans memorial, the James Garfield memorial, the FDR memorial, the Korean war memorial, the peace monument, the pentagon (still), the white house, the capitol, the treasury, the department of state, two FBI headquarters, the national archives, the bureau of engraving and printing, the smithsonian, the headquarters of the UN, foreign and domestic diplomat housing, and an assload of embassies and consulates don't count as icons or monuments.)
10. Weapons of Mass Destruction and the Iraq War (Still can't find them huh? I thought Rumsfeld knew exactly where they were.)
11. Immigration reform (It's going to take a lot more than all this to make the US unappealing to Mexicans)
12. Domestic Wiretapping (Something tells me that terrorists aren't going to be calling old Mrs. Ferguson down the street and telling her their evil plans.)

That's a lot of bullets to shoot ones self in the foot with.

All metaphors aside, this guy and his lackeys are seriously tearing this country apart.